


Ballet Boy

by FairytaleTalia



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ballet, Christmas Fluff, Dan Howell - Freeform, Domestic Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Pastel Dan, Phan - Freeform, Phan Fluff, Phanfiction, Phil Lester - Freeform, dancer!dan, only a teeny tiny bit angsty, pastel!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 10:26:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9119611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FairytaleTalia/pseuds/FairytaleTalia
Summary: Dan has been doing ballet since he was little. Phil has been the boy next door. But they both grow up at some point.Dan and Phil have been friends for years now and Phil has never missed a single performance of Dan. He always makes him promise that he’ll do great before the show starts. In return, Dan lets Phil play with his video games which doesn’t bother him at all and he’d let him play even if Phil didn’t watch his ballet performances. Dan was sure they’d stay together no matter what. He is so sure about this, he doesn’t mind when Phil refuses to let him into his house when friends from his school are over repeatedly. He doesn’t catch how Phil now calls him Dan instead of Danny. And he doesn’t even think twice about why Phil never walks him to the bus station anymore to make sure his old bullies don’t come back.It's not as angsty as it sounds, I promise.





	

BALLET BOY

When Dan was little he used to spend his Friday afternoons in the corner of the local gym, watching his older sister do pirouette after pirouette with the other girls of her ballet class. He would wonder how she didn’t get dizzy from all the spinning, because he couldn’t even walk straight after only three turns, let alone do a cartwheel or one of those amazing jumps. 

Ellen was three years older than him, which was why their parents had told her to look after Dan when they came home late on Fridays. Of course, she never would miss a lesson just to look after her brother. Oh no. With the permission of her teacher she took Dan with her, sat him down in the corner with his brand new game boy, telling him to play one of those weird Pokémon games. 

The first time he had come with her he had quickly discarded his video game in order to watch her dance. Dan loved watching her dance. She always looked so happy whenever she did something correctly. The other girls were really nice as well. They all were between five and ten years old. Older girls had class on another day in a different group. The advanced group. Dan had seen them dance once at a show of his sister. He knew Ellen wanted to train a lot so she could join them when she turned eleven.

However, as she grew older, Ellen was less and less interested in ballet. Horses were the new big thing in her school and she got lots of new friends that wouldn’t let Dan play with them. That was something he didn’t understand but could accept. He was a boy after all. What he couldn’t get in his head was her lack of interest for ballet. So when Ellen told her parents she wanted to quit dancing, six-year-old Dan asked his parents if he could do it instead.

In his first lesson the girls thought he would dance for Ellen because she was sick or that he just wanted to watch even without his sister. Quickly did they learn that Dan was intending to take Ellen’s place and become a dancer himself. And just like his sister, he was learning fast and it was obvious he knew exactly what he was doing, how he had to raise his foot to jump higher and how to stretch out his arms to spin faster. It might have been unusual for a boy to attend ballet lessons but it made his parents even prouder when they found him smile one of the brightest smiles he had ever shown during his practice at home. 

-

Sadly, his classmates found out about his ballet lessons. It starts with a push on his shoulder that makes Dan stumble into the wall after the last lesson of the day. From then on he constantly gets called names, his bubble gum gets taken away, and his books have ugly tears from when the other boys rip them apart. At school he can ignore them, but on the way home this task gets harder when he has to catch his balance whenever he gets pushed into a puddle on the sidewalk. 

One day he is followed by them again. It has rained the day before so the streets are still wet and there are plenty of opportunities for his bullies to push Dan down and make his pants drenched and dirty. He is nearly home when he relaxes and lets his guard down, only to get sent flying to the cold ground, scratching his palms open from the fall as he stretches his hands out to catch himself. He hisses in pain and looks at the blood that starts to leak through the open wounds. The tallest of his bullies laughs the loudest and stands in front of him, holding his stupid new phone with the camera towards Dan as if to take a picture of his misery. 

“What are you doing?” A boy’s voice interrupts the bullies’ laughter. When Dan looks up, there are his sister and a ginger haired boy that looks around the same age as Ellen. He has his arms crossed and towers over the guys that pushed him to the ground. While Ellen helps Dan up, he walks over to them and puts his hands to his hips, looking at them angrily. “Why did you push him?”

Most of the other boys are quiet, looking scared and ready to flee any moment. Douglas, the tallest of them, stands, his head held high, and glares back at the unknown boy. “Because that wimp deserves it.” He says with a challenging stare.

The boy huffs and rolls his eyes. “I am sure someone deserves a push to the ground here, but it is not Dan.”

In his confusion, Dan doesn’t even question how the new boy knows his name. He is probably a friend of Ellen. 

“Are you threatening me, you jerk face?” Douglas asks but takes a step back anyway.

“Yes. Don’t hurt him again or I will do more than push you.”

Douglas gives Dan a last glare. “You are lucky you have that stupid bodyguard now, ballet boy! But he won’t be around all the time. You girl.” With that he turns and leaves, his friends trailing behind him. 

Dan stands close to his sister, his bottom lip trembling. The ginger haired boy turns around and comes up to them. “Are you okay?”

That single question makes the dam break and Dan bawls his eyes out. They bring him inside and he finally tells his parents about what’s happening at school and on his way home. After a long talk with the headmaster of his school, they decide to transfer Dan to another school. He has to take the bus to get there but he thinks that is okay as he can finally get away from the bullies. 

He later learns his saviour’s name is Phil and that he is their new neighbour and is in Ellen’s class. His sister soon lost interest in the new boy next door when her friends in school found him boring. That doesn’t stop Phil from coming over to ask her to play with him in the park or the garden. 

One day she has enough and pushes Dan towards him. “Play with him, he doesn’t have any friends anyway.” And with that statement she leaves them to themselves. 

Dan finds the older boy that protected him some weeks ago very cool and convinces him to go to the park with him. They sit on the swings and Dan wonders how Phil can swing so high that he looks like he can touch the clouds any moment. 

“Why were they so mean to you? You know, some weeks ago, the stupid bullies that pushed you.” Phil suddenly asks. 

Dan pushes himself back a bit so he is softly swinging back and forth. “They don’t like that I am dancing.” He simply says. Maybe he can get away like that without Phil finding out about his ballet lessons. He wants to keep him as a friend and not have Phil against him. Up until now, all boys that know about his dancing have been complete idiots about it. Dan certainly doesn’t want the cool older boy next door to think of him as a wimp or a girl.

Phil tilts his head to the side and stops his swinging. “Why?”

“They think it’s girly.”

“Why?”

“Because boys don’t dance.”

“Of course they do.”

“Not ballet.” Now he said it.

At that Phil looks over to him. “They don’t like that you do ballet?”

Dan nods with his head hanging down. Why did he tell him?

“I don’t understand. Why is that girly?” Phil questions and starts swinging again.

Dan stares up at Phil through his brown locks that have fallen into his eyes. “You don’t think I am a girly wimp?”

“No?” Phil asks as if that is the most absurd thing in the world. “Why would I?”

“Because I do ballet. And I am a boy.” He states, not understanding Phil’s confusion one bit. “That’s something for girls but I do it anyway.”

“Okay, I got this already. But who says you can’t do it if you are a boy? I mean, if it was forbidden you couldn’t take lessons, right?” A short pause. “I think it’s cool and brave.” Phil says and jumps from the swing at the highest point. “I want to climb that tree over there. Will you come with me?” 

Dan nods, a huge grin forming on his face. Maybe not all boys that know about his dancing are jerk faces.

-

The first time Dan has a ballet performance with his group on a stage his nerves are making his legs shake and he feels sick. His parents, Ellen and Phil came to see him. His mum and Phil are standing backstage with him, Dan already in his light blue tights and white shirt with a little golden crown on his head. The show was originally called “Dance of the Princesses” but because Dan was dancing as well it was changed to “Dance of the Royals”. The girls all wear a white tutu with their light blue tops and tights and secretly Dan also wanted to wear one of those white fluffy skirts. 

“Mum, I am nervous.” Dan says, shaking anxiously. 

“I know darling, but I am sure you’ll be fine. Have fun.” She simply answers and leaves to take a seat in the audience.

Dan fumbles with his hands, biting his lip. Phil watches him before carefully placing a hand on shaking Dan’s shoulder. “Hey, Danny.”

“Yeah?” Dan mumbles, his gaze drifting to the others who either sit on the ground and stretch or talk with each other.

“Look at me, Danny.” Phil orders quietly and Dan immediately turns around, glad to look at something familiar and calming. “Breath.” 

Dan stares at him dumbfounded for a second. “I am breathing. Humans have to breath you know?” He retorts, his usual cocky attitude back. 

Phil grins at that. His tongue is poking out between his teeth. “I know. I meant, take a deep breath. Because I don’t know what else to tell you. I don’t have to wish you luck or anything, I know you’ll do great.”

Dan starts looking around nervously again. “But what if I make a mistake?”

“Then everybody will know it happened because of your nerves. No one in this entire audience is going to judge you. We all know that you guys are nervous.” Phil grins.

“No, but what if-“

“Danny!”

“Yeah?” Dan asks quietly, his eyes locking with Phil’s through his wavy fringe.

“You know I would never lie to you. And that I am smart and know a lot, right?” Phil starts, a smile still apparent on his lips. When Dan nods Phil’s grin widens. “So when I promise you, that I know for sure you’ll do perfectly, then you have to believe me, right?” Dan slowly nods again, uncertain if that is true. “Right, Danny?” Phil asks more firmly. This time Dan’s response is a determined nod with a small smile. The older boy holds out his pinkie finger to make a promise. And when Dan entwines their fingers his nerves are gone and he lets out a quiet sigh of relief.

“See you after the show. And when you hear someone clap louder than the rest of the audience when you are done, that’s me.” Phil says with a wink before leaving to sit down as well.

 

It is an understatement to say Dan did okay. He trusts Phil when it comes to promises. So with the reassurance of the older one’s promise he knows nothing can go wrong. The anxiety that overtook him at the beginning would have been the only thing that could go wrong. Dan knows every single movement perfectly and could do the show blindfolded without music. 

Therefore, not even a minute after his teacher is done congratulating them on their amazing performance – without any major accidents –, he sprints out of the backstage zone with his bag hanging over his shoulder and a wide toothy grin on his face. He runs to his parents who are standing with Ellen and Phil. Dan doesn’t even hesitate, he just yells his name and jumps right into Phil’s arms as soon as said boy turns towards him.

“How was I?” Dan asks, not even doubting to hear a compliment.

“You were amazing.” Phil reassures and Ellen who is standing behind him nods with a smile. And Dan knows as long as Phil is there nothing can go wrong. 

-

It turns out that this assumption was wrong when they both grew older. Dan is only eleven when Phil suddenly starts to change. To Dan it seems as if everyone he knows exchanges their personality at some point when they grew older. It’s something Dan doesn’t understand. Ellen changed when she entered a new school and got new friends who had other hobbies than she did, so she had changed to fit in and be able to chat with them. For Phil it was something entirely different.

Dan and Phil have been friends for years now and Phil has never missed a single performance of Dan. He always makes him promise that he’ll do great before the show starts. In return, Dan lets Phil play with his video games which doesn’t bother him at all and he’d let him play even if Phil didn’t watch his ballet performances. Dan was sure they’d stay together no matter what. He is so sure about this, he doesn’t mind when Phil refuses to let him into his house when friends from his school are over repeatedly. He doesn’t catch how Phil now calls him Dan instead of Danny. And he doesn’t even think twice about why Phil never walks him to the bus station anymore to make sure his old bullies don’t come back.

It only occurs to him when he rings Phil’s doorbell and an unknown boy, years older than him with dyed hair and dark clothes, opens the door. The stranger leans against the frame and looks Dan’s light blue pants and cream coloured jumper up and down before huffing annoyed. “Who the hell are you?” He spits and Dan is momentarily taken aback. 

“Uhm…”

“Hello, Uhm. What do you want here?” He answers cockily and smirks.

Dan flinches and feels like he is standing in front of Douglas again. “I wanted to visit Phil.” He mumbles, barely audible.

“Huh?”

“I am here for Phil.” Dan repeats louder. The others in the house must have heard him, since he can hear shuffling and then Phil and another stranger appear behind the one who opened the door. But Dan couldn’t care less about the strangers right now. He is too transfixed by the silky black hair that frames Phil’s face perfectly and makes him seem older and more attractive; and he can’t fight the blush that is rising to his cheeks.

“Dan, what are you doing here?” Phil asks nervously. Normally he would hug him to say hello and greet him with one of his warm smiles. Dan is confused and doesn’t understand what changed his Phil and who this person is.

“I … uhm … just wanted to ask if you wanted to play some video games at my place? I didn’t know you have friends over, sorry.” He immediately apologizes. 

The other boys stare at Phil bewildered and one of them leans in to whisper something into Phil’s ear, loud enough for Dan to hear. “Are you friends with this fag?! You gay, or what?”

For a second Dan thinks Phil might actually deny being his friend but he tells himself that this is Phil. The boy that comes to see every ballet show Dan has and the boy who brushes his hair when they watch a movie and the boy who told him he was brave and cool when they sat on the swings that one afternoon. But he also is the boy who has black hair now and crosses his arms defensively with a grossed out expression on his face while spitting, “What? You have to be kidding me! As if I’d be friends with that wimp.” 

In that moment Dan’s world comes crashing down on him. He holds back tears and clenches his fists because he can’t believe Phil, his Phil, just said that to him. Phil doesn’t dare to look at Dan. Otherwise he wouldn’t be able to add a distasteful “You stupid girl,” which breaks Dan and has him running back to his own house with silent tears streaming down his cheeks. 

Dan pushes open their front door and doesn’t stop running until he flops down on his bed, his face buried in his pillow, the one Phil used to sleep on when he stayed over. Just then Dan allows himself to let out a strangled sob. The only person he ever trusted betrays him. He feels like someone stabbed him in the back. And in the heart. Repeatedly. With a million tiny needles that stay there and pierce through him again when he takes a breath for another loud sob. 

At some point of the afternoon he eventually runs out of tears and sits up with the pillow still in his grip. “I hate you, Phil Lester.” He whispers and wishes he meant it. “I hate you. I hate you.” Dan sighs. “I trusted you.” At least that is true. He doesn’t trust Phil anymore. Not after he called him a girl and a wimp, the things Phil himself had said were not true and did not apply to Dan. “You liar,” he mumbles reproachfully at the pillow. “I hate you.”

-

Years later Dan understands that Phil probably didn’t mean any of the things he said and, like his sister when she was younger, just wanted to fit in with his friends. It’s not like Dan has forgiven him. 

The first ballet show after their kind-of-fight went horrible for Dan. He stumbled onto the stage, lost his balance during a pirouette and pushed another kid over by accident. After that he promised himself not to rely on a stupid pinkie promise by someone who had lied to him all the time anyway. 

Dan continues his ballet lessons and tries not the listen to the few insults that are thrown at him when the girls of his class all are swooning over his talent and how amazing his last performance was. He’s still bullied from time to time and is called girl, fag or queer-queen. Not necessarily because of his hobby – everyone grew up at some point and learned that ballet was not a girls-only-sport and didn’t mind anymore – but rather because Dan never stopped wearing light and pastel colours. He straightens his hair and sometimes puts on some nail polish because he can’t stand to see the dirt under his finger nails. It took him some time to get used to everything, especially the fact that everyone knows his attraction towards guys. Yes, Dan is the most cliché homosexual in the entire school with his pastel clothes and ballet lessons. But god, does he love being himself. That year when he tried to fit in and be like all the other boys was the worst time of his life. After that he decided to just come out and not be ashamed of himself. It is relatively easy at his school. From Ellen he knows that the gays at her school are all bullied and disrespected. Honestly, it doesn’t surprise Dan that her school is like that. It’s the same school that Phil went to before he and Ellen graduated when they were eighteen. In Dan’s opinion he fits in there. They have never talked again since the incident with Phil’s new friends and Dan is glad he didn’t have to face him anymore; otherwise he would have probably yelled at him and punched him in the nose. Because Dan has changed a lot during his last school years. He is in his last year now and will graduate soon. Life has not been easy, so he learnt how to talk back and insult. He swears a lot now, which surprises people who don’t know him, as his looks make him appear as quiet and sweet. Dan is far from that. He even tried dating some guys before but they never were more than short make-out-sessions and a little grinding to relieve some stress.

Out of all the aspects that changes about Dan’s personality, his self-esteem and confidence had the biggest alteration.  
And he is happy about his changes.

It’s not until the last day before Christmas break of his senior year that Dan ever feels self-conscious about his looks. After school ended he is walking up the path to the front door of his house when he hears a cheerful “Martyn!” being yelled from his neighbours’ house. Shortly after the scream Martyn bursts through the door of the Lester’s house, being followed by a certain black-haired boy – or rather man – he hadn’t seen for three years and who he wished he would have never had to see again. 

“Daaan,” Martyn screams and scurries to get past him, knowing he will be save in the Howell’s house. Ellen refused to let Phil in ever since Dan told her about what he had said. He doesn’t even have a second to react before Martyn rushes through their front door, climbing up the stairs to Ellen’s room faster than he had ever seen him move. Before he knows it, Phil comes to a halt right in front of him and stares. He just stares at Dan like he is an alien and Dan can’t help to cross his arms defensively. “Hi,” he manages to choke out thinly. 

Phil looks him up and down and visibly gulps. Dan wonders when his sweet saviour became such a jerk.

“If I disgust you so much that you can’t even get out a word, I’d recommend leaving,” Dan hisses finally and throws the front door shut into Phil’s face. He wishes he could be as cool on the inside as he made himself appear just now. Instead he slides down the wooden surface against his back and lets out a shaky breath.

He still sits in the same spot when he hears Ellen pad down the stairs. “Dan?” She asks reluctantly when she sees him lean there. “Martyn told me he had to flee from Phil and that he ran past you. Judging from the expression on your face I’d say you already saw him, huh?”

“Yeah,” he mumbles and nods before clearing his throat. “He still is an ass like back then. Didn’t even say a word and just weirdly stared at me.”

“To be fair, you did change a lot in the last three years,” Ellen responds. She reaches out a hand to help Dan up and he gratefully took it.

“Sorry ‘bout that, Danny,” Martyn says sheepishly when he comes down as well. “I know you don’t wanna see him, but I ate his sweets – I have to say I didn’t know they were his – and he tried to catch me and we all know that his tickle fights are horrendous. I didn’t know where else to escape to.”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s fine. Whatever.” Dan walks into the kitchen and tries not to hear the whispered “Are they still not good yet?” from Martyn.

Shortly afterwards he registers the bang of the front door closing. Ellen comes in and helps him set up lunch. They sit and eat silently for some time. As soon as he puts down his cutlery she clears her throat. “So… what you gonna do about him?”

Dan looks up like she just asked him if he wanted to eat a living frog. “Excuse me?”

“Well, you can’t keep ignoring him.”

“I can. I managed to not see him since you two graduated and I’d like it to stay that way.”

“That wasn’t very hard. He left for university and never visited. His parents always went over to his place. But since he is back for a few weeks now…,” Ellen suggested and Dan nearly fell out of his chair.

“He is staying for some weeks?!”

“Yeah, Martyn told me just now.”

“Good for him.”

“Dan…”

“No!” He shot out of his seat and slammed his hands down onto the table. “I don’t have to talk to him or make up with him. And I don’t want to. I have enough problems already. Mum and Dad are still fighting all the time and we both know they will eventually get a divorce. I can hardly pay for my ballet lessons and can’t manage to lift my partner up in the air. And you are going to move out. I do not need Phil fucking Lester to make my life more of a living hell than it already is,” he finished and rubbed at his eyes to keep them from tearing up. 

When he looked up he saw that Ellen was only seconds apart from bursting into tears right there and then. “Oh god, no. Ellen, please don’t. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“I-I know, I am just so unnecessarily emotional. I hate this,” she says as the first tears drop down her cheeks.

Before Dan can even respond he hears the front door open and close and knows he is going to get yelled at.

“Honey, I am home! I brought you your favourite- Dan! Why is Ellen crying?!” His mother rushes past him to sooth his older sister.

“Mum, I am fine,” she tries but without success.

“Shut it, darling. Daniel, your sister is pregnant for fuck’s sake. Can’t you behave a little better? Maybe we need to cut down your allowance even more,” their mother spits. 

Dan pales at the thought. He doesn’t eat lunch at school anymore to save up the bit of pocket money he gets to pay his ballet lessons. Once he had turned fifteen his parents stated that he was to pay for his hobbies himself. 

“Mum, really. Dan didn’t do anything. I just thought of something sad.”

“I bet Daniel told you something sad,” his mother retorts, giving him a death glare. Out of their parents it has always been their father that loved Dan a bit more. But since he isn’t around much due to the constant fights with their mother, Dan feels lonelier than ever. When Ellen leaves to move in with her boyfriend he will be left here on his own. He tried to save up money so he can move out after his graduation but for that he’d have to stop ballet. And he can’t do that because without dancing he’ll go insane in this house within two weeks.

“Sorry,” he simply mumbles and goes up to his room, throwing his body on the bed. 

“Fucking hell.” He tells his favourite cuddly toy, the stupid bear Phil got him when he was ten. No matter how hard he has tried, throwing away this memory is impossible. Because even though Phil is a huge asshole now and betrayed him, Dan still likes to keep all the positive memories in his mind for the days when he feel like a black hole is eating him up. He isn’t depressed. He just has his good and his bad days. But the bad days seem to rise in number recently.

 

For Christmas their parents seem to have sealed a peace treaty. The entire house is decorated and cosy and Dan feels better about his life even though Ellen’s boyfriend spends the holidays at their house who always manages to make Dan feel unimportant and stupid as soon as everybody is out of the room. Yes, so what if he “dresses like a girl” and “likes it up the ass”. 

He eventually decides to ignore the insults and concentrate on his ballet lessons. Dan only has a little over a week to get the duet for the New Year’s Dance right. Every move sits and he is certain his understudy won’t dance in his place like last year when he sprained his hand. He only has to lift Aurora, which seems to be impossible although she is the lightest and thinnest girl he has ever seen. 

But no matter the amount of trying to move her up properly, he still either lifts her too far to the side or not high enough and both his teacher and Aurora start to get angry at him. 

“Daniel! Again!” His teacher yells for the twentieth time and claps her hands. The entire room is staring at them since all the others are done with their routine. Aurora is red all over her face from jumping so much and Dan himself feels his arms go week by now. He refuses to give up though. It is the last lessons before the final rehearsal and if he doesn’t get it right, Christian is dancing his part. 

The music starts again and for a brief moment he thinks of something, anything to give him more energy. Aurora spins towards him faster than he expected. His timing is a little off and he grips onto her torso too far up, burying his fingers in her ribs. She yelps loudly and probably in pain but Dan manages to lift her up, turn and set her down gracefully. He can feel the butterflies in his stomach. He did it!

The teacher stops the music abruptly and Dan wonders what the problem was now. He expects an angry shout but instead he hears Aurora whine pathetically. A bunch of girls surround her and the teacher mumbles something to her. Aurora shoots a glare to Dan. “No. I am hurt. I want him out,” she says bluntly and rubs her ribs. Dan’s triumphant grin falters.

“Daniel. The accident-rule. You’re out.” The teacher tells him and pats Christian on the shoulder, congratulating him on his part.

“What? No! I didn’t hurt her on purpose!” Dan rushes after his teacher, being followed by thirty pairs of eyes.

“I don’t care. The rule is if one gets hurt and they cannot trust their partner anymore, said person has to be replaced. Aurora is hurt and says she cannot dance with you as her partner anymore. Nothing I can do.”

“But-“

“Leave.” She yells loud enough for the entire gym to turn towards them.

Dan feels tears prick at his eyes. He has trained for an entire year for this performance and it is all ruined because he got the wrong grip on Aurora. With a quiet sob he leaves the room and throws his stuff into his bag, not bothering to change out of his baby blue tights. He only changes his shoes and runs home. The cold air fills his lungs and makes the pain in his chest increase. He is such a failure.

When he walks past his neighbours’ house he sees Phil sit at the top of the small staircase leading up to the door. For a second he thinks he is going to say something to him but Dan doesn’t want to hear it right now. He is hurt and disappointed in himself, talking to Phil in that moment would only rip him apart more. 

He throws the door open and stomps in. “Daniel? Are you home already?” His mum pokes her head through the door of the living room. “Good. Come in, we want to talk to Ellen and you.”

His heart sinks a little lower. No, not now. “Mum, can I shower first or eat something? I just-“

“Now, Daniel.” She states and turns around. 

Dan follows her and sits next to Ellen who looks like she knows what comes now as well. As they are sitting there in an awkward silence for a good minute, Ellen fidgeting nervously next to him, he thinks of all the late night fights between their parents and how calm they suddenly were when Christmas came. It seemed to be silence before the storm. Although, Dan isn’t so sure if he hasn’t already been in the middle of the storm for weeks. 

“So, kids…,” his father begins but gets interrupted.

“We are getting a divorce,” their mother states coldly and leans back on the couch. 

“I thought we were going to break it to them gently?”

Their mum wrinkles her nose and makes a gesture with her hand. “They are adults, they can deal with it.”

But that’s only what his mum thinks. Inside Dan feels his world break down more and more each second. Ellen looks about the same way Dan does. They knew it would come someday, but they didn’t expect it right after Christmas. 

Dan draws in a shaky breath. He’d like to think this day can’t get any worse but his mother proves him wrong when she asks why he came home early from his lesson today.

“Oh, uhm. You see… we uhm…” He stutters miserably and searches for help in his father’s eyes. 

“Did you flop again?” His mother rather states than asks that. The fact that she isn’t even surprised hurts Dan even more.

“The accident-rule. I gripped Aurora the wrong way and she got hurt. It really just was an accident. I didn’t-“

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. We should be used to the fact that only Ellen isn’t a disappointment by now,” she continues and stands to leave the room.

“Mum!” Ellen pipes up. Dan is too busy holding back tears to stop her from saying something stupid to help him. “Can you please once in your life be supportive and not a complete asshole?!”

It is quiet for a second before their mother turns around and glares at them both icily. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me,” Ellen huffs and stands to be on her level. “No matter what Dan does, you always talk him down. Can you fucking stop that for one day and love your son?”

“I love my son very much, is that clear?”

“Yeah, right…”

“Watch your language, young lady.”

“Or what?” Ellen asks back cockily. Even though he knows damn well that their mother would never lay a hand on her beloved pregnant daughter, Dan feels the need to jump in and yell “Don’t touch her!” at his mum. He only realises how stupid that was of him, when a hand connects with his cheek sharply and makes his head fly to the side. The loud slap echoes through the room.

At this his father finally stands up as well but the only thing he achieves with this is an angry fight between the two of them, leaving Ellen and Dan to themselves. Ellen guides Dan into the kitchen and pulls out some frozen vegetables, placing them silently on his reddened cheek. “Sorry.”

He just shakes his head in response, letting her know it is not her fault at all. Why did he jump in? How stupid can he be?

The front door opens and in comes the only person that can make Dan’s day just a bit worse than it already is. Alfred, Ellen’s boyfriend, strolls into the kitchen and smirks when he sees Dan in this horrible state. “Aw, did they really break it to you now?” he coos and takes Ellen into his arms. Dan hates when he touches her. He doesn’t trust him and Alfred knows that.

The second Ellen leaves to go to the toilet, Alfred grips Dan’s shoulders tightly enough to leave bruises and grins at his tear-streaked face. “Poor Danny. Now Daddy is going to move out and you’ll be left with Mommy, who seems to love you a lot, right? So much she gave you this,” he whispers and pulls away the frozen peas, poking at the red mark. 

Dan does his best not to puke when he moves in more and huffs at Dan. The stale scent of cigarettes drifts towards him and he tries to back up a bit. “You stupid fag deserve it though. Ellen messaged me what a fail you were today and she expects me to support you. A fucking tranny fag like you. So you are going to tell her I am super nice to you all the time. Or you can make friends with this buddy here,” he smirks and raises his balled fist.

Dan nods pathetically and sinks into himself more as soon as he is free of the iron grip on his shoulder. Ellen comes back just a second later and gives Alfred a sweet kiss on the cheek.

It doesn’t matter if his mother has never been supportive of him before or if he knew their parents are getting a divorce. It doesn’t matter that he knew for some time he won’t be dancing at the New Year’s Dance or that he already knew Alfred is a fucking dickhead that tries to make him feel miserable about himself. Everything comes crashing down on Dan and leaves a heavy burden on his shoulders that pulls him deeper than he usually feels. 

He wordlessly stands up and leaves. He walks out onto the pavement and stares ahead, not really knowing where to go. He just turns and runs and runs and runs, until he can’t breathe anymore and he is in a part of the town where he never was before. And then he turns around again and walks back. It’s dark by now and he doesn’t have a jacket. Only his sweater that starts to get soggy from the constant humidity and the fog around him. Dan doesn’t even know how to feel. He is empty and he can’t go home. Not to where his parents and Alfred and the thoughts of his ballet class are. So he stands in front of his house for a good hour without moving, letting the reality sink in some more.

And then there are warm arms wrapped around his shoulders and he is being pulled to the side and into a house that smells of vanilla cookies and home and love. So vastly different to his own home.

A pale hand grips his and guides him up into the familiar colourful room he spent so much time in when he was younger. Although many years passed and nobody has lived in there for a long time, it still screams Phil. It is so Phil that Dan’s heart clenches and he wishes he can go back to his sweet caring Phil from his past. The Phil that now drapes a soft towel over his head and dries his hair a bit before placing a feathery kiss on his forehead like he used to do when Dan got hurt when they were little. And the same Phil that helps him out of his sweater and gives him a horrible and cliché knitted Christmas jumper to warm up before pulling him in a soft yet firm hug that just tells Dan he is going to be alright and he is loved and cared for. 

Out of all the shitty things that happened to Dan today, the thought that Phil only pities him and does not care for him as much as Dan would like hurts the most and Dan finally manages to let the tears fall. He buries his face in the crook of Phil’s neck and he doesn’t give a shit about how he looks or that there are probably tears and snot on Phil’s shirt now. 

“Shhh, it’s fine. I am here for you, Danny.” Phil says softly. Dan can feel his voice vibrate on his skin. It’s a lot deeper than back when they last talked. He sniffs once more.

“Out of all the times you could have said that name you chose this moment?” Dan whispers hoarsely and tries to pull away without success. It’s alright though; he doesn’t feel like escaping the warm teddy bear hug just now.

“I always call you Danny when I ask Ellen about you, silly.” He answers softly while twisting one of the incredibly soft brown curls between his fingers. “I missed you.”

Dan finally pulls away and rubs at his eyes even though he knows it’s no use and he looks horrible anyway. “Idiot.”

“Yeah, I know.” Phil answers and watches Dan.

“Twat.”

“Mhm.”

“Jerk.”

“Yeah.”

“Jerk head.”

“Hey, I thought only Douglas deserves that name.” Phil pouts and Dan’s breath stills for a second because wow, does Phil look cute when he sticks his bottom lip out. 

“To be honest, I think you deserve it after what you said back then.” Dan shoots back.

“Ouch. But yeah, I guess.” Phil sighs and sits on the edge of his old bed. “I have been the worst friend ever.”

“Definitely.” Dan says and pulls the arms of the jumper over his hands. Phil follows his movements before sighing.

“I never meant the things I said to you. I never would think of you as a girl or a wimp or a fag,” Phil cringes at his words. “I just… I made the wrong friends and I went through a tough phase. I was stupid and scared and I hurt you.”

“You did.” Dan states and sits next to Phil with at least a metre distance between them. “How could you say that to me? Just so your friends would be impressed?”

Phil shrinks into himself and covers his face. “I really am sorry.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

They make eye contact and Dan can feel Phil’s hot breath on his face when he sighs deeply. “I somehow got into this group; they were called the Kool… something. I don’t even remember. I just know I looked up to them for some reason and when they wanted to be friends I was happy and they came over. I don’t know why but they found it so boring that I was friends with an 11-year-old. And when they realized you are the ‘stupid faggot queer kid’,” Phil emphasizes the expression with quotation marks, “they made fun of me for being gay.” He is quiet for a moment, letting the information sink in. 

“You know, being called gay is not much of a problem, is it? Well, it was for me because at that time I was questioning my sexuality a lot and I already was crushing on a guy. Having my so-called friends make fun of me because of that was the worst thing that could happen. Ellen probably told you how stupidly homophobic our school was, probably still is.” Phil pauses and stares at his hands that are fidgeting in his lap. 

Dan thinks about it. He still hates what Phil did back then and will probably never forget the betrayal he felt. Dan was lucky with his school and class mates. A little teasing here and there but never real attacks against him because of his sexuality or his clothing choice. Maybe he can understand Phil a little. Maybe he would have done the same thing in his position. He would be stupid enough at least.

“So… you pushed me away because I looked gay and your friends thought you were gay because you hung out with me?” Dan sums up.

Phil wrinkles his nose and smiles sheepishly at Dan. “Kinda…”

They look at each other for a good minute before Dan face palms and groans. “You idiot.”

“I know.” Phil admits and falls on his back with his arms crossed over his face. “Ugh, why was I such a stupid hormonal teenager?”

“You probably are still stupid and hormonal,” Dan retorts and earns himself a smack on his upper arm from Phil.

They stay like this for a little until Dan falls back as well and stares at the ceiling. “I missed you too,” he finally admits.

He can see Phil grin out of the corner of his eye. “Did you?”

He hums in approval and turns his head towards Phil. “You may have been a stupid and hurtful jerk back then, but you still are my stupid and hurtful jerk.”

“Thank you for those loving words,” Phil huffs and looks at him as well. 

They make eye contact again. Dan feels a tug in his chest and he leans in. Phil’s eyes widen and he is about to open his mouth when Dan curls against him and wraps his arms around him. 

“I want another hug,” Dan mumbles like a small child. He knows exactly that Phil expected him to kiss him. But firstly, Dan still needs comforting hugs after such a shitty day. Secondly, he has not forgiven Phil for his actions yet. And thirdly, he might have had a small crush on his best friend when he was around ten or eleven; but that was a thing of the past when he was still figuring out his sexuality and would have went for every cute guy.

Dan can feel Phil softly wrapping his arms around his waist and all his thoughts are blown away. He simply imagines being younger and living in a world where everything is okay and where he wasn’t apart from Phil for years.

“You know, if you hadn’t been such an ass I might still have a crush on you and I’d be happy to hear you’re gay or bi or whatever you are now,” Dan mumbles against Phil’s neck. Phil freezes for a moment and holds his breath. “But you ruined it and we both changed a lot and now I am just frustrated at how stupid homophobia is.” 

A shaky breath leaves Phil and Dan can almost hear his rapid heartbeat. Phil shouldn’t feel so nervous about this. But since Dan still sees everything from behind a semi-transparent curtain he guesses it’s alright if at least one of them has appropriate reactions to a conversation like this. Maybe Dan should be surprised that Phil was worrying about his so-called friends finding out about his sexual preferences and maybe he should feel happy that he is talking to Phil normally again. He just isn’t capable of that right now though. 

“So… you had a crush on me?” 

Dan’s eyes widen and he smacks Phil’s chest. “That’s the only information you picked up from what I just said?”

A familiar laugh fills the room and Dan’s hand shakes up and down from the movement of Phil’s chest. “Excuse me; I tend to talk about the most important things first,” he giggles and Dan thinks it should be impossible for a grown man to sound this adorable when laughing. However, he sits up and frowns down at Phil. “How is that the most important thing?”

“Well, the friend I had a crush on when our fight happened was you,” he answers and stares back, blue eyes sparkling. Some seconds pass and neither of them moves, the tension hanging heavily in the air.

“Phil, we both grew up since that,” Dan starts, not moving his eyes from Phil’s. “And I don’t know about you but I changed a lot in the last years.”

Phil breaks the eye contact and lets his gaze wander over Dan, looking at him fondly like he is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. “Yeah, I can see that.” 

Dan desperately tries to keep the blood from rising to his cheeks. 

“When you were suddenly in front of me and you looked so different than three years ago I was so taken aback I couldn’t even talk to you. How pathetic is that? A 21-year-old man who is too overwhelmed and embarrassed to talk to his childhood friend. And ex-crush,” he adds and sits up. “When I last saw you after my graduation you had stopped wearing pastel colours and you looked so normal it was easy to ignore you. A little later, Ellen told me you went back to wearing light colours and nail polish and that you came out to everyone. The idiot I am, I thought I could handle looking at you by now. I mean, three years passed. And then you are there and so…” Phil stops to look me up and down again and helplessly gestures to Dan, “…so perfect and grown up and even prettier than three years ago.”

“Stop it,” Dan mumbles and crosses his arms. 

Phil smiles and Dan realizes he doesn’t feel as numb as earlier. Instead his heart beats just as fast as Phil’s just a minute ago. 

“I was friends with Ellen before I knew you and she told me she has a little brother that wants to play with her all the time and I was already annoyed that I had to play with a younger kid. We saw you and then Ellen told me that you were her brother and you looked so sweet and innocent. You still do.”

Dan tenses up slightly and tries to look everywhere but Phil. “Do you even hear yourself? You’re the master of sweet-talk, aren’t you?”

“It’s easy to sweet-talk you, Danny. There are so many things about you to compliment,” Phil continues and now Dan really can’t keep the blush off his face.

“Shut up.”

Phil grins and tilts his head to one side like a puppy. “It’s easy to develop a crush on you; even though I tried to convince myself I didn’t like you that way all those years ago. But let’s be honest, who wouldn’t fall for you?”

Dan feels his cheeks go even redder. “I said shut up!” he blurts out.

Phil leans in just the tiniest bit. “Make me.”

Dan can feel his heart erratically thumping against his chest as he closes the gap between them with a quiet, “Fuck it.”

Their lips melt together like they are made for each other and maybe, Dan thinks, they are. His hands wrap around Phil’s neck and he nearly climbs on top of him trying to get more physical contact. If Dan thinks Phil would kiss him back just as roughly and needy as he does, he is wrong. Phil might have flirted in a rather untypical way but he certainly still is the gentle and caring Phil he used to be when Dan spent time with him. Phil’s hands softly cup Dan’s cheeks and his kisses are so incredibly soft Dan isn’t sure if they are even real. 

Phil lets himself fall back and takes Dan with him. They tangle their legs together and Dan feels like he is floating on a cloud. Another soft kiss lands on his lips and when Phil tries to pull away he can’t help but follow to slightly nibble on his bottom lip. He doesn’t know who started it but suddenly their tongues are dancing and fighting and he honestly can’t remember a time when kissing felt better than right now. 

At some point the kisses reduce to small pecks and then stop altogether. Just like earlier, Dan hides his face in the crook of Phil’s neck. He smells of vanilla and raspberries. It’s the best thing he has ever smelled and he will probably always think of Phil when he sees raspberries now. 

Phil giggles a little and moves his hands that were stroking Dan’s hair down to his waist. “I can’t believe the ‘make me’-thing worked.”

“I know right? It’s like we’re in a bad romance novel,” Dan admits and kisses Phil’s jaw lightly. “That was so cheesy.”

“You loved it,” Phil grins and earns another small hit on the chest.

“Oh stop it, you spoon.”

“If you stay overnight I will definitely be a spoon. The big one though.”

“Phil!”

“Okay! I’ll be the small one.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me.”

“Somehow we’re going in circles,” Dan admits with a smile and cuddles into Phil who immediately curls into Dan a bit more.

In the back of his mind Dan is aware of his parents’ divorce, his sister moving out, his failure at today’s ballet class and the fact that he just kissed his ex-best-friend and crush. It’s just that Dan can’t bring himself to care at the moment. He’ll deal with his problems tomorrow when the warm fuzzy feeling in his stomach has hopefully gone down a little. 

“We have a lot to talk about tomorrow, Phil.” 

Phil plants another feathery kiss on Dan’s forehead and pulls him impossibly closer. “I know. As long as I get to keep you that’s fine.”

“If you don’t behave like a jerk anymore I’m yours.”

“Don’t worry,” Phil whispers and kisses Dan once more, “I’m not letting go of you ever again.”

**Author's Note:**

> That was my first fanfic on this website and my first phan one shot. If you want a sequel let me know ^^


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